Why do you doubt?
10 April 2011
This story of Peter walking on water reminds me of the first time I went skiing. I was very excited. I was also a bit apprehensive. The thought of hurtling at great speed down the side of a mountain – aghh; scary! Yet something in me wanted to try.
So there I was in my early 50’s on the nursery slopes for the first time. I was pumped, maybe I was a natural! I glided slowly and smoothly down the gentle slope and came to an almost graceful stop. Fantastic! My daughter, the ski-fiend was so happy & encouraging; so I slogged my way back up to the top and set off again. This time I began to pick up just a little speed. Terror struck! How would I stop? What if I hit one of the little kids on the slope with me! What if I hit the red net fence? What if I broke something? What if I broke me! I tried to slow down but didn’t; so I fell over just to stop.
That was it every time I tried to ski that day I ended up falling over. My confidence had gone. My daughter lost patience and went to do some real skiing & I was left with a sense of complete failure and very sore ankles. I admit I have never had the nerve to try again. But there is this spark inside me that wants to ski; I’ll never be a downhill racer, but I’d like to get out on the slopes and feel the wind in my face from a bit of speed and come to an elegant stop at the end!
Like Peter I took my focus off the goal. For me the goal had been to just have fun learning how to ski but I started to focus on the possible crash & fall. For him it was to get to Jesus; but he started to focus on the wind and waves and began to sink.
I doubted I could stop, even though I had just successfully stopped. Peter probably doubted the water could hold him up as it churned beneath his feet, even though he had not sunk thus far.
When I first read this story some years ago I was surprised that Jesus asked “Why do you doubt?” For me the answer would be “Why wouldn’t you doubt?” Doubt & fear seem the most rational response given the circumstances.
Walking on water is not what we think of as normal; so to step outside the boat seems irrational; crazy or even downright stupid.
Let’s face it if you are on a small fishing boat with no engine & there’s a whopping great storm going on around you why would you even consider getting out & walking to the ghostly figure bobbing up and down, in & then out of sight. Why risk this whole impossible idea of walking on water.
Yet Jesus asks “Why do you doubt?”
I wonder how do we hear that question? Do we hear it as judgement? “Shame on you for doubting.”
Or do we hear concern and encouragement in Jesus words; “Just keep on trusting so you won’t sink”
How do you hear the question “Why do you doubt?”
(Pause)
What is doubt?
The Oxford English dictionary says it is ‘feeling uncertainty or feeling uncertain about something’; it can also mean ‘to disbelieve or mistrust someone’.
I see nothing in this story that says Peter did not believe Jesus or that he mistrusted him – in fact when he began to sink he called to Jesus to save him. So it seems to me that his doubt was found in feeling uncertain that he could continue walking on water once he considered how precarious the waves and wind were.
What about us?
Maybe the real question for us is do we have doubts like Peter?
Have you ever set out believing Jesus is just in front of you and find once you’ve left the safety of the boat you wonder why you ever started?
I know I have:
Some people may think those who are pastor types are giants of faith and don’t struggle with doubt.
I have to tell you that is not true of me. Before I started seminary I was sure of what I believed; sure of how the Christian walk should be lived. I had everything in neat little boxes, labelled & stacked.
The trouble was, the more I learn, the more I find I don’t know. How did I think I could be called as a pastor if I couldn’t give sure answers; tell people how to live; be sure that God wanted us to live the way I had previously been told. I doubted my call, I doubted everything I was told; I doubted that God was happy with me or anyone. Dark night of the soul stuff! Talk about a sinking feeling!
(pause)
He has given me no quick-fix answers. Rather I have been on a journey since that has been filled with doubts, questions, reassessing. I have begun to think that rather than doubt being the antithesis to faith; perhaps it is the launching pad.
Maybe this is partly what the story is about.
Perhaps those of us who follow or even have a feint desire to follow God have to face doubts about God and about ourselves. Even though it is those doubts that can stop us in our tracks and make us feel like we are sinking, perhaps it is these very doubts that stir us to refocus on Jesus.
I wonder, are there people who just know they have doubts but just live with them or ignore them and get on with life? Sometimes I think I’d like to be like that!
But I’m not. I often doubt that I am capable or able to keep going; after all shouldn’t I as a Christian be able to bear up under the heavy burdens of life? Shouldn’t I just trust God will make everything alright? Shouldn’t I smile and get on with life, undiscouraged by illness, family and work commitments or dissentions? Shouldn’t I be able to cope with those who drain the life out of me and be the one who encourages and supports them unceasingly and ungrudgingly?
Sometimes when we think about all the should’s and shouldn’t’s following Jesus feels like we are being asked to walk on water. The Christian life if it is filled with lists of acceptable & not acceptable thoughts & behaviours can look so unnatural; so impossible.
One thing a heart attack does is make you re-evaluate. I am asking, are our internal lists of shoulds & shouldn’ts really nothing more than unrealistic expectations? Are they not what cause me to doubt who I am and who God is. Do my lists reflect what I think God’s expectations are of me?
(pause)
I am encouraged by this passage, for what I see here is not Jesus saying; if you want to follow me get out of the boat & walk on water. No what he tells them is “don’t be afraid, it’s me; I am here.”
Jesus does not tell the disciples who stayed in the boat “oh you of little faith. Why did you doubt?” He didn’t say hey guys; come join me out here, walking on water is your next test! That gives me hope. Jesus doesn’t force us to do anything we are not ready & willing to try; nor does he give us a hard time when we have honest doubts; honest fears.
However, Peter got out of the boat. Why would he do that?
Peter, gets excited, throws caution and rational thinking to the wind when he hears it is Jesus. Then he says; “if it’s you tell me to come” and Jesus says “Come”
Peter in his usual impetuous way says I want to do that too. I want to be out there with Jesus. Peter is not thinking with his head; he is responding with his heart. He knows as a fisherman who has been around water all his life that walking on water is not natural. But, his faith was pumped. He knows that if Jesus says do it then he will be able to.
Aren’t we like that? If we really know that God has said do something; we know he will make it possible.
The problem is we don’t always know if it is God that has told us. This is especially true if those we trust and care for those who tell us we can’t, or we shouldn’t, or that God would not tell us to do such a stupid thing.
I felt called to ministry when I was 16, but the church told me God didn’t call women to ministry. So I doubted that I heard God. Over the years he kept telling me; but I kept doubting that it was even possible. Finally I started believing and I started to see if this really was God he would make it possible. Never once did he give me a hard time for doubting; rather he just kept showing me “I am here with you” Eventually in 2005 I made the decision to move to Calgary & come to bible college. I was stepping out of my boat. At that time, while in prayer he told me get ready to walk on water.
I did not know what that meant, except that he was going to ask me to do things I otherwise knew to be impossible.
I think that’s the point of the story it’s to encourage us to take risks; to risk failing and looking stupid; to risk doing that which others cower from; to risk believing Jesus says come. Maybe it shows us if we will get out of the boat, even if it looks like we are about to drown, Jesus is there to pull us up to safety.
And maybe that’s the real purpose of our doubts and the storms of life; to remind us to call out to Jesus; to get us to change our focus, to move us to a place where we start believing. Maybe faith cannot be built without honestly feeling and expressing our doubts to God and one another.
In this story, when Peter began to sink; Jesus’ words were not condemning, he merely recognises that Peter had become faint-hearted and His question is to let Peter recognise that doubt & circumstance became the focus. The Message encompasses this perfectly:
(2 Slides) Jumping out of the boat, Peter walked on the water to Jesus. But when he looked down at the waves churning beneath his feet, he lost his nerve and started to sink. He cried, "Master, save me!"
Jesus didn't hesitate. He reached down and grabbed his hand. Then he said, "Faint-heart, what got into you?"
The two of them climbed into the boat, and the wind died down.
Whether you are in the place of honestly doubting and having honest fears or whether you have stepped out of the boat and are now feeling like you are going under, there is no condemnation, only Jesus assurance:
Don’t be afraid, I am here.
The bread and the cup that we are about to share are tangible reminders of this.
He is here with us now,
He is with us in our doubts,
He is with us in our fears and struggles
and he is with us as we step out of the boat risking a walk on water.
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