It's all about love

I have been thinking about love a lot lately. God's love, married love, friend's love, romantic love, love of the colleague, companion and stranger.

This morning as I read from my Spiritual Direction magazine I read a quote from Thomas Merton:

"Love is our true destiny,

We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone -

we find it with another.

We do not discover the secret of our lives merely by study 

and calculation in our own isolated meditations.

The meaning of our life is a secret that is to be revealed

to us in love, by the one we love....

We will never be fully real until we let ourselves fall in

love...

Love is the revelation of our deepest personal meaning,

value and identity."

                                      

Love and Living, edited by Naomi Burton Stone and Brother Patrick Hart; Mariner Books, 2002, pages 27 & 35.

This rings so true to me, but what hit home was "We will never be fully real until we let ourselves fall in love..."

In our society we assume falling in love is a romantic thing, something that happens when we find a person we want to spend our life with. 

I have found that as I have begun to love myself I am in love with more and more people. Being in love for me is simply loving another, a state of loving, wanting the best for another, seeing past their hurts, wounds and not so good traits and behaviours to the real person that they are. It is not romantic or sexual. It is not wanting to be constantly with a particular person. It is enjoying their company, supporting them in the things that are going on in their lives.

I see God's love is the sort of love we need for each other, unconditional and accepting of the other just as they are, without expectation that they will change. This does not mean that if they treat us badly we are to stay around to be abused...I work with too many abused women and children to suggest that. It also means we don't keep trying to make them into what we want them to be, for to do that gives them the message they are not good enough and they are a constant disappointment. 

In our society we continue to believe the Cinderella story, all our movies have elements of it, even our churches proclaim it unwittingly. Both men and women are sucked in by the lie that one person will satisfy all their needs. However, to think that one other human being can meet all our needs, rescue us from our mundane drudgery or our deep pain is very unhealthy. It is also idolatry, for we make our husband, wife or partner into a saviour or we make ourselves into their saviour if we even partially believe that.

In marriage, whether that be the official kind or where we commit to living together as a couple, we have a particular relationship. It has some exclusivity; sexual exclusivity is the norm, and personally I think non-negotiable, but there are other things that are vital for the relationship to work. That is a commitment to go through the good and bad together, to keep trying, to be adaptable and to communicate at the deepest level. But neither the exclusivity nor the commitment means we exclude friends who meet some of our emotional, intellectual, spiritual and social needs. To be unwilling for another person or group of people to meet one, any or parts of all of those needs in either ourselves or our intimate partner speaks more of our own fear, insecurity and lack of having our needs met healthily.

God made us for community knowing we cannot be healthy without others; we cannot grow or survive without others. So we must let go of our Cinderella stories, our happy ever after myths and be willing to share our selves with others in love, willing to share those we love with others, share our intimate partner with others knowing that we benefit from this as they benefit from it. 

May God bless us with many people to love and be loved by.

What a difference a year makes. Time to come out!

I cannot believe it is over a year since I wrote on this blog!

I said in my last post I would say why it had been so long since I had written - & now it's even longer. The short version is our congregation voted to close the church. This was a painful decision and some of us are still feeling the effects. Without going into  detail, and certainly without blaming anyone we found we could no longer come under the denomination we had been under for some 15 years and we could not face going through what needs to be gone through to become an independent congregation. There were many factors and to cite any one of them would be unfair to all involved. I still work for the denomination in another role, I love the people I work with and love the pastors, leaders and all who are part of the denomination, all are delightful and gracious people. I understand where they come from and why; I spent most of my Christian life in that space. I appreciate their loyalty to God and each other and to me.

However, I came to the realization that to continue as a pastor within a denomination that states that homosexuality is a perversion meant that I would be called to speak and live without integrity. As a follower of Christ and a pastor (even if I no longer work officially in that role I still do this), I believe that my personal and public life must uphold the same values. I realized that my relationship with the the triune God showed me that God is far more gracious, far more loving, far more merciful and exceedingly more understanding that we think. I found due to my education doing a Masters of Divinity that the current interpretation of key scriptural verses used to 'gay bash' is a relatively recent interpretation. As theologians I find that we are expected to take a historical-critical exploration of scripture yet often we throw those findings out because they do not align with our current evangelical protestant theology, we disregard the phenomenological aspects of scripture when they don't align with our modern 'scientific' mentality and ignore scientific and sociological findings when they don't align with our limited ideas of God, humanity and creation. I am saddened by the way some Christians throw out critical thinking as they think it is a threat to faith and saddened by how many people throw out faith as they think it is a threat to critical thinking.

For me I found there is a threat if we employ critical thinking with our faith - we loose faith in our limited ways of doing church and find a deeper faith in God and discover ways to be church. It is a scary journey, for some deeply held beliefs have to go out the window because they are not based in relationship with God, not correct interpretation of scripture and have nothing to do with what Jesus actually said or did.

I know writing this will make some scream heretic if they read it. But that is what the Pharisees basically thought Jesus and his motley crew of disciples were, so I am in good company.

The Church has for the past 1700 years or so been preaching exclusivity - women, Jews, then black people, divorced people, and more recently gay, lesbian, transsexual people along with anyone who was otherwise unacceptable in their view; these were excluded from certain positions, told they were less than human, not acceptable to God unless they changed themselves. This was not what Jesus did, he said to excluded, the marginalized, the oppressed, as well as the ordinary men, women and children "come, follow me, be included in the abundant life of God". As for the religious people he constantly showed them how they missed the point, forgot the heart of the matter. That is part of what got him killed.

So I have come out!

I am an ally to my GLTB friends, family, children, and acquaintances. Christianity and sexuality are not at odds with each other - EVERY human being is made in the image of God whether we can see it or not. This means to treat anyone with disrespect is to disrespect God, to hate anyone is to hate God. Ironically it is also being disrespectful and hateful toward yourself.

May the Lord have mercy on us and may we begin to love each other unconditionally as God love us.

Are You Thirsty?

Hi, I know it is ages since I wrote anything - a full explanation will come soon...

But for now, here is the sermon I am about to preach tomorrow.

Are You Thirsty?

Isaiah 55:1-9; Psalm 63

Good morning, I know you may have been expecting Leslie up here this morning, but she was so sick on Friday we decided I would be here instead. Maybe when she is feeling up to it she can write her sermon and email it out to us, because when I saw the texts she had for today I was really excited – what a perfect choice for Lent.

Isaiah starts with a question

Is anyone thirsty?

Have you ever been really thirsty? I mean dehydrated, mouth parched Thirsty?

Do you remember what it was like? Did you feel like the only thing that kept coming up was a need for a long cold glass of water, Ok maybe it was a beer or lemonade; maybe a tea or coffee? Something to quench that thirst.

That’s the thing when we are really thirsty our body & mind will do whatever it takes to get us to go & get a drink. It becomes an obsession if you are thirsty and there’s nowhere to get a drink!

The people around at the time of Isaiah and David knew this. David wrote this Psalm when he was out in the wilderness where there isn’t much fresh water to be found. Here he is describing his longing for God as being like his longing for a long cold drink of water in a dry and parched land.

Have you ever longed for God with such intensity?

It is a strange place to be in. Deeply uncomfortable, yet somehow it’s the best place because as you cry out, deep inside you know that God will come satisfy. But the waiting is excruciating. We feel like we will die.

Actually without satisfying our thirst we will die.

The odd thing is when we are dehydrated at first we long for water, for a nourishing drink; but if we go too long we begin to shut down, to not feel thirsty and that when the real danger is present.

Some years ago my friend Denise & I decided to go to Austria for a holiday and the cheapest way was to go on a bus. We had been on the ferry and then on the roads for hours. We were travelling over night & I kept drinking water and eating snacks between dozing. I would ask Denise if she wanted something but she didn’t. By about 5.30 am we were in Germany and she was acting very strange & I could see she was heading for comatose. We had to call an ambulance and she was admitted to hospital. I spent the next 4 or 5 days with her & slept in the corridor of the unit while she was hooked up to drips and having injections every 4 hours. We were flown back to England and she was admitted to hospital & she spent another 10 days there and then 3 weeks with me while she was in recovery. I found out later, she had not drunk much the day before we left, she was worried we would not stop when she needed a bathroom break, she had drunk almost nothing on the trip to the ferry, nothing on the ferry because she felt sea sick and then nothing on the overnight bus trip. Her dehydration nearly wrecked her kidneys, put her into a mental breakdown and almost killed her all because she stopped drinking & then stopped feeling thirsty.

Just as a body can exist without food for long periods of time so our soul can exist without many things, but a body without water will die and a soul without God will die.

So are you thirsty?

Slide 2

When we are out somewhere and we’re thirsty we go buy a bottle of water or go to a cafe; the same was true in Isaiah’s time, there were water vendors; guys with big clay jugs of water or skins filled with water slung over their donkeys backs. I have no idea what they charged for a cup of water, but you’d be willing to pay if you were out in the heat of the sun and knew the only other option was to go to the well and haul up the water yourself.

But Isaiah says this water, the drink he’s talking about is free! Come and drink even if you have no money. That means it’s available to anyone. That’s good news! But it gets better, he says there’s a choice including wine and milk and it’s free too!

Ok, so my imagination got going on this. Water – that is so we can live, it’s essential, because can’t live without it. The milk is nourishment – ok that’s a hard one for me as a vegan who’s allergic to milk – but I can still go with the concept of nourishment preferably from almond milk; but what about the wine? Well it certainly makes you happy & feel good if you don’t have too much, and these days they say red wine is full of antioxidants so sort of good for you too in small amounts & certainly in Isaiah’s time it was a drink that was not going to go off in the heat and was culturally acceptable as something to have with a meal. So water, milk and wine, all good! And whatever you choose it is free! Water, milk, wine – Come & get it!

So what I saw here is God offers us a drink for our soul that will give us life, will nourish us, make us happy and keep us healthy!

Wow! That’s worth being thirsty for.

What I also saw is that when God says in verses 8 & 9 of our Isaiah reading that his thoughts and ways are higher, way beyond ours, it means we so often limit our view of God, of what he can do, of who he is, what he will give us. We limit the possibilities he has for us.

I wonder have we longed for a glass of God given life water and made do with murky water from the creek?

Have we desired the wine of the Spirit to make our hearts glad and yet been too scared to take a sip in case we get drunk and lose control?

Have we needed the nourishment of God’s milk but been afraid to come and ask, embarrassed by being so needy, or fearful of such intimacy?

We are in a time of Lent, a time of reflection, of confessing our limits, a time of preparing ourselves for God to do something new, to reveal more of himself to us. This is a time of thirst, a time of recognising how dehydrated we have become, how much we need his living water.

We are fortunate that during Lent we have mini Easters every Sunday, where we can come and remember that our Messiah has already come. Where we can come to the table and be nourished by the bread of his body and the wine of his blood. Where our thirsty souls can be refreshed and our hearts uplifted and our bodies nourished.

We do not provide the drink, he does. We do not pay for it; it is his free gift. All we do is come and drink. We come and choose to drink our fill of what he offers.

We can say, today Lord I will have the living water, to refresh me, to give me life, abundant life.

Today I will have the wine of your Spirit to be made glad and filled with joy and have my inhibitions swept away so I may be my true self made in your image.

Today I come as a child, and drink of the nourishing milk of your comforting presence, so that your peace will fill me and I will grow.

Today I come to taste and see that the Lord is good.

I come weary, parched, dehydrated, but I know I will leave quenched and nourished; filled and satisfied.

Today, right now will you come and drink?

Are you thirsty?

Take a moment to bring that thirst to God

Let us come to the table with open mouths and glad hearts that there is food and drink here for us.

Metanoia

I have not blogged for such a long time. The reason is not pretty. Some would call it a crisis in faith. Not my faith in God, but my faith in the church, my faith in the hope that God's people will hear his voice and respond with metanoia.
Metanoia, a Greek word often translated as repent in the New Testament is then misunderstood as "be sorry and turn away from your evil ways". However, a better translation is change your perspective. Literally it is 'change/transform mind'; however in our intellectualizing and in our western culture we then limit this to the way we think. In the Greek it has a far more wide meaning, it is not only think different, it is feel different, have a new perspective, new values on which to operate on, it is literally to become. (Think of a caterpillar that through a process becomes a butterfly - it changes through metamorphosis!)
I am a pastor, I love God, I love people, I love all creation, so one would assume, unless you are also a pastor that the road should be pretty smooth - after all, one has a call of God on one's life to serve God, to minister to people and to be part of the Church - so one answers the call, does what one has to do to satisfy your particular branch (denomination) of the Church and there you are a pastor, a minister, a vicar, a priest or whatever title your denomination gives such people.
The difficulty for me came when as I studied the Bible in the context of learning Hebrew and Greek and in delving into the context that it was written in, the times, the culture, the realities of the people's lives I came to the disturbing discovery that our westernized, sanitized, limited and limiting understanding of the precious and delightful life giving word of God is skewed.
I am no universalist believing that no matter what you do, what you believe or what your values are all will be ok in the end because we are all going to heaven - but I am also no exclusionist, believing that unless you conform to one particular view, one religious slant you are doomed to everlasting hell.
In here lies the dilemma I have been faced with. As I see among my dear brothers and sisters who call themselves Christian of all denominations a tendency to think that their particular 'gang' have got it right I find not the "love one another as you love yourself" that Jesus called us to but a willingness to build division, to criticize, to build their own empires. As I look at the teachings in the more evangelical denominations I see the way of the pharisees, who wanting to please God, to obey God, built up towers of rules, regulations and lists of 'thou shall nots' that went go beyond God's simple 10 commandments and keep themselves and others far from Jesus radical breaking down of barriers and overthrowing of the tables. As I look as those who desire to show God's unconditional love and grace to all without measure I see a tendency to forget that his love and grace are to transform lives into a new expression of humanity in keeping with being made in God's image.
So over the next little while I shall write on where I have been, where I am in all of this and where I am going. I don't do this because I think you are so enthralled with my life that you can't wait for the next installment. I do it because I believe that every person Christian or non Christian faces these dilemmas and in writing if I do nothing more than say to a reader you are not alone, that will be enough. If you happen to read this and find hope in the God who has been worshiped by Jews, Christians and many who sought God in differing ways then I have been of service to you and to God.

My friend's Gabby & Brent are off to Africa for a year. So I will be following their blog
http://caldersinafrica.blogspot.ca/http://caldersinafrica.blogspot.ca/

Fear, hope and physical bodies as glory to God

I have not posted on here for a long time.
I can make valid excuses for this like I have been too busy with work, study, family situations - but the real reason is do I dare write about the deep issues I am looking at? What if someone reads this and attacks?

This embarrasses me to admit, for I have little patience with living out of fear. Fear is what holds us back, what stops our world being all the good things it could be, stops us being who we truly are.

Many years ago the catch phrase was "feel the fear & do it anyway!" I lived that for a long while - it was what got me back into education, made me a good social worker advocating for my clients against oppressive systems.

So today is just a time to restart yet again writing. the fear is no-one will read it. The fear is the religious will read it and be offended. The fear is those hurt and wounded will read it and it will remind them of the pain.

But there is hope in writing!
The hope is someone will read and God will bring healing, will bring a new sense of being able to change to grow be transformed, forgive and live in freedom.

 We pastors and leaders were in worship yesterday at District Assembly and I am not quite sure how it came about but I felt God show me that we are blind to our own unholy lives. I saw that for me and the majority of the people there we do not truly consider our bodies as temples of Holy Spirit - we  make a big deal about sexual sins, smoking, drinking etc & to be sure these are not things we should do as they mess up our bodies, minds, relationships with people and our walk with God - but we eat junk, we do not exercise or exercise becomes an idol, we do not rest or take real Sabbaths.  Many are addicted to coffee, sugar, wheat products, but we do no preach against such things. We do not present our bodies as living sacrifices, holy and unblemished- we present our doing, our exhaustion, our over achieving, as some sort of substitute, this is no different than the Old Testament when God said I don't want your "proof of success" in bulls and burnt offerings, I want a broken & contrite heart. The only broken heart we will lay on the alter is one filled with plaque and disease!

I was so convicted. I know how to eat! Probably better than most people; yet I do not do it; I allow myself to be seduced by the wrong things, convince myself that I will not be satisfied by plain veg, that just a little poison won't kill me.

This is so crazy! I know when I eat a healthy vegan diet I regain a correct weight, I have more energy and I feel so much better all round. So back to it today! But I also know how weak willed I can be - I need help. So I am praying that God will strengthen me to do this, please pray for me too.

So Lord, here in some public way I present my body to you. Help me treat it as it deserves, for I am, like every human being made in your image. I am filled with your holy presence, I am your servant. Please help me eat well, a healthy vegan diet for in Genesis you said you gave all the produce of the field for us to eat. Let my body be a living sacrifice to you.

If you struggle with something please respond and I will pray for you too.
Blessings
Debbie

I am always surprised at how I, like most of us get stuck in patterns of thinking, believing and acting, blind to the idea that it can be different. For many years I had very set ideas about what was right, wrong, sin, etc. These ideas and beliefs are really good as "stars to navigate by", because they stop you getting into a lot of trouble and hurtful circumstances. These "stars" help us recognise that things like stealing, lying, sleeping with someone else's husband or wife or having sex with multiple partners or lacking integrity in business and personal relationships really are not good things for us.
As a pastor in a "Holiness tradition"Church I am a bit of a holiness freak. I know that some behaviours, actions and beliefs will damage us, will break relationships and distance us from experiencing God.
As a previous mental health social worker, I know these things can disrupt our mental and emotional well being.
As a previous nurse working in both general and psychiatric settings I know the physical toll these things can have on our bodies.
BUT, yes there is a BUT,
The but is, I also know that when these 'good' beliefs and ideas become hard and fast we can become legalistic, judgemental and harsh.

Firstly we are this way with ourselves. We see ourselves as not good enough as we can never meet these high expectations. We become critical of ourselves and can never really believe that anyone, especially God can really love us. So we try harder, we think perfection is the goal. We fail, and the spiral continues.
         For some of us we become driven.
                   For some of us we give up in despair.
 Or if you are like me, I had times where I fluctuated between the two, depending where my energy levels were. This can make you feel very unbalanced - well let's face it - It is unbalanced!

Secondly, we can be this way with others. Of course we don't think we are that way with others, we think we are helping them be the best they can be; or we think we are helping them avoid the bad things that will hurt them. We don't see our sanctimonious ways, or our critical attitude.  I know- because I was unfortunately like this for years, I am hoping I am not still like it, because it stinks! I rely on some very trusted and loved ones to point it out to me if I get this way. I hate it when they tell me, but I have promised to listen, pray and act on it. I try and remember that it comes from my own wounds and not from who I really am.

The trouble with being like this with others is not just that we are judging them by our standards; which Jesus warned us not to do when he said do not judge or you will be judged by the same measure - which is a really scary thought; but this judging is incorrect. It is incorrect because we do not know the other person's heart, their motives, their life journey. It also ignores the fact that God does NOT judge us by these human standards. 

God, that is YHWH, Jesus, Holy Spirit,  knows our hearts, our motivations,  knows where we have come from,  where we are and where we are going on our life journey; and because of this God is merciful, gracious, loving, kind, compassionate and delighted with us wherever we are at this moment.

Our position, if we love God, want to be true followers of Jesus is to be open and allow Holy Spirit to heal us so we too are merciful, gracious, loving, kind, compassionate and delighted wherever we and others are at this moment, trusting that God will do what it takes to make things wonderfully different.

Be blessed and may the Lord God reveal his love and mercy to you always
Debbie

Holiday in Nelson

Wow it is so good to get away for a week with Dave. We have come up to Nelson to see Bex and Sue.
Bex had her showcase for the course she's been doing at Selkirk College. I swear I am not biased just because I am her mum! but she has an amazing voice. Go to the online link to see for yourself! http://www.ustream.tv/channel/shambhala-music-hall
She did her performance on Tues 27 March and was the 2nd showcase.
On Monday after she finished classes and Sue was done work we went to Ainsworth hot springs, that was wonderful. There is something magical about sitting in a hot spring when it is raining looking out at the mountains & lake shrouded in clouds. While rainy weather is my least favourite, I still am grateful for this provision from God.
We arrived on Sunday evening while Bex was at a jam at Bogustown Pub in Nelson and on Thurs we joined her at another jam at the Dam Inn between Nelson and Castlegar. It makes me very proud to hear her perform and do so well.
Be blessed. xxx

The joy of now

This may not be profound to many, but over the past few days I have been intentional about living in the present moment, taking in the experiences of the moment and I am filled with joy.
The car ride out to Kings Fold Retreat Centre, seeing the mountains grow closer; the amazing conversation in the car with companions.
The scenery out there; the hospitality of the staff.
The gardens and architecture of FCJ, the wisdom of the people who lead and attend the Spiritual Director Training
                     The sun, the wind, the clouds rolling in this evening.

Life is amazing, creation is astounding; people are delightful...
   if we will but take a moment to be fully present in the present moment.

Faith is like the flying trapeze

My friend Lauri is a wise and insightful woman.

Today as we caught up after my trip to Jersey she was saying how if we want to catch hold of a new thing in our lives we have to let go of the old. Just like a the trapeze artist has to let go of one 'swing' and take the leap into fresh air to be able to grasp the second 'swing'.

We agreed; such is the nature of faith; letting go of what we have held tightly to trusting our leap will coincide with God's provision.

All apt stuff for I am about to take another leap of faith. But more on that later...
For now may I wish any who read this and all who do not a wonderful, joyful and delightful 2012

Missing Dave, missing kids, missing Jersey

I've been sick  for a week, a strange ear infection that made my gland behind my left ear swell so I felt like I looked like a muscle builder who only worked out on one side

Strange how when you are sick you want family. I also want a warm place with a beach to walk on...

Christmas is coming - so I get most of the family and the beach. Looking forward to that

Also looking forward to sitting upright for more than an hour or 2 at a time.

Commandments: Do as you're told or Be yourself?

7 Nov 2011

Commandments, what does that mean?

Yesterday we had a wonderful speaker for our Church service. Dr. Manny Mah is a physician and lay pastor with Trinity. He told us a little about two medical mission trips he has been on. One of the things he said at the end was to go out with the good news, to go on mission trips, to help those less fortunate in other places or even in our own towns or city is not a calling, it is a commandment.

He explained that what holds many of us back from doing things is we do not feel called. In some way we do not feel qualified or that God has specifically asked us to do this. So we do nothing. He said when Jesus said “go out” it was a commandment.

I could see he said it as an encouragement, don’t let anything hold you back.

If you see a need and have the ability, desire or even inclination to help then do it.

The good news of the gospel is not just about the salvation of our souls, it is about becoming loving, compassionate people who make a difference in the lives of others.

Going out with the good news is not about going somewhere & trying to convert others to Christianity.

It is about going to people who are wounded, poor, suffering, hungry, sick or oppressed and loving them, helping them in practical and compassionate ways. We imitate Jesus in this.

If you have money & no time, then give to those who can do these things, who can help people learn how to grow sustainable crops, dig wells, start schools, build hospitals or whatever is needed. It is not about going somewhere & taking over or becoming the provider. It is about helping people gains skills. It is about helping people regain dignity, build their lives and communities. It’s about giving people a chance to be all God created them to be. We all need that!

So I was a little taken aback when a dear friend and member of Trinity came up after the service and said he was upset about the morning’s talk. His main problem was with the idea of this being a commandment. He said that made him want say if it’s a commandment then I won’t do it.

Me, being both a tactless person and knowing this precious man well responded with “Then you have the problem”

He, being a wise and gracious person, agreed.

But the person who overheard was shocked at my ‘hard’ response.

What took me aback with his not wanting to do it if it is a commandment is the fact he is already doing it. In a variety of ways; with a variety of people. He is one of the most generous and helping people I know. So I know the problem is not in the doing.

The crux of the matter is the word commandment.

In our individualistic society none of us likes being told what to do.  Commandment seems like we are being told,

“You have to do this, you have no choice.”

Commandment makes us think of  an officer in the military giving acommand to a soldier, the soldier must obey or face serious consequences.

Ministers in Churches have often taken this line with people. It has built up legalism, fear that if one does not perform God will not love you. It has caused many to feel resentment and anger and many to leave.

This is a sad and sorry situation, because God’s commandments are not like that.

His commandments are all based on LOVE.

Love  God and Love others as you Love yourself.

Jesus said these were the 2 greatest commandments and everything else flows from this.

It’s pretty logical as I keep saying, if you’ve read my blogs or heard my sermons you'll know this is my current hobby-horse:

If you love others you won’t hurt them, abuse them, oppress them or treat them badly. To fully love others you need to love yourself – in healthy non-narcissistic ways. If you really love yourself, really get to know who you are you will discover God, because you are created by God.

I know that is backward from traditional religious thought.

We usually say love God, then you will love others & eventually you may love yourself because you discover that you are made in God’s image. This is not necessarily wrong; in fact it appears to be the way Jesus said it: Love  God and Love others as you Love yourself. But that little word "as" means you have to know how to love yourself first.

The problem then with our traditional approach is many people don’t ever really get the whole thing. Let’s face it if we did then we wouldn't keep having religious wars or even Christians who bash each other verbally.

• God’s character is one of love.
• God made you in the same character; that is to be loved and loving.
• God loves you.
•  If you know that God loves you, it is simple to love God; in fact it is the natural response
• You are designed to love yourself in healthy ways.
• You are designed to love others.

When you live from this place it is freedom.

So God’s commandments are not “Do this or else!”

Nor are God’s commandments “If you don’t do this I won’t love you.”

What I find is our language is so small, our translations are so limited. We don’t have words to give the right inflections, nuances, underlying meanings.

It is important to know that the commandments, whether that be the 10 big ones or any other thing we find in Scripture are not mere rules and regulations; nor are they guidelines that you may choose to ignore.

Rather commandments are pictures.

Pictures of what life is like when you know who you are.

If you know who you are, if you love yourself in healthy right ways then  you will love others, you will treat others well, you will be compassionate, caring, merciful and you will love God because God will reveal God to you.

We need the pictures of the commandments because we have forgotten how to love others, ourselves and God in healthy ways. We have forgotten who we are, who God is and who our fellow travellers on life’s journey are.

When we remember we want to live it. Living it is what Jesus meant when he said go out into all the world, to your neighbours, to those who you thought were enemies, to strangers and love them. 

Be the real authentic you.

Help others be the real authentic them.

Death or the Promised Land - Sermon

23 Oct 2011

Deut 34:1-12

Do you have a friend that is brave enough to say it how it is. I’m weird, but I love having friends like that, they make me mad, they stir up defensiveness in me & then I see they are right & the door is open to change.

After I’d been stuck in bed for about 8 months with a back injury I at last realised I had to give up being a control freak. 

It felt like I was dying.

Jan 1^st 2003. I cried the whole day. I spent the day dying. A friend called and said she had been thinking & praying for me all day and felt I was in a bad state. I said I feel like I’m dying. Her response…

“Thank God, it’s about time!”

That’s a good friend!

I began learning that God loves me, accepts me and approves of me whether or not I work hard, get it all right or do absolutely nothing

(Slide: If you never do another thing in your life God will still love you!)

This was a hard thing for me to begin to grasp. As a workaholic & one who desperately wanted approval it was painful to see that all the striving, the building, all the struggling, all the taking on all the responsibilities was no more than building houses of cards.

(Slide of house of cards)

Letting go is not easy. It really felt like I was dying. Now I see I was entering the gestation period of being born into the 2^nd half of life.

Richard Rohr talks of the 2 halves of life, this is not a new concept, psychologists have considered the idea for a long time. The difference is RR puts it in context of our spiritual life. He talks about how in our first half we strive, we build, we chase after many things, we fight the external and we fight our own inner demons, the thoughts and things that would keep us bound. He observes that in our western society there are few that actually get to the second half of life, most people stay stuck in 1^st half mentality. I find that sad, but on reflection I have to agree with him.

This story we’ve been following about Moses and the people of God seems to me to have a correlation. Their building had been for someone else, they leave Egypt, fighting off the internal & external things that would bind them. They go round & round in the wilderness trying to get hold of a new identity. Definitely first half of life stuff.  Then today we read of the moment before coming out of the wilderness and entering the promised land. The place where the wandering finishes and a setting up home in the new place is about to happen.

Dare I draw a similarity between us and this moment in the story?

Here we are with one more Sunday before we move to a new location. One more week of wandering, setting up and tearing down every week. One more week of dreaming what it will be like to have class rooms and nursery for our children to call home. One more week before we worship on a flat surface so people don’t have to come down stairs to the Lord’s table.

At this time we don’t know if KRC will be permanent or just a foretaste of our Promised Land and a time of rest before moving on again. Like the people in the story we have to take it one day at a time. What we do know is like Moses we sent out our spies and have good reports and we are about to go where we believe God is leading.

This story of the exodus, the wilderness and promised land are well known for being pictures of the redemption story. 

But for I also see two interacting sides, one is being a person who lives in God’s presence and the other is being community, a group living together and following God on a journey to somewhere we’ve never been before. What makes us begin such a journey where we leave the familiar, the stable even if uncomfortable normal for the unknown, the hope of something we are unsure if it even exists?

I think the Lectio that Lesie did from Thessalonians gives a clue.

 “It is clear God loves you and has something special for you.”

We get a glimpse of the something more; we risk believing God loves us and has something for us.

So when I found the passage for today was Moses death I had a wow moment.

I’ve always loved the story of Moses, here’s this kid born to great things and yet he screws up so many times, he’s so human, he looses it with people; he shouts at God and wants to dump the people God has given him to live with. But God just keeps on loving him, keeps on leading him; keeps on being his friend.

That’s another thing I love about the story of Moses and the people, in it we see a picture of God loving people and having something special for them, providing for them in the most amazing and downright miraculous ways. Here we see God being with people in tangible ways.

Yet I can’t escape this odd ending to Moses life. 

Here at the end we see Moses, the man who worshiped & served God wholeheartedly, the man we are told was the greatest prophet, the man God chose for maybe the hardest job in the world was now hearing God say “you can look but you will not enter”

Can you imagine what it must have been like? 

Moses has worked hard, he’s put up with the renegade, rebellious, complaining, downright stupid at times people of God and now on the eve of entering the promised land, God says

“Look here it is, I’m showing you what it looks like – oh but I’m not letting you go there!”

I don’t know, but wouldn’t that make you mad? 

I was talking to a friend about this the other day and she said, if she was Moses she would wonder what was it all for.  I think I understand that question, it’s like asking was God just using & abusing? Shouldn’t Moses get some reward or benefit for all the hard work?

I mean can you imagine if you worked for a company and you had personally taken them from being a 2 bit raggle-taggle small town corner business to becoming a large organised company which is leader of its field and you are about to move into the purpose built, fantastic new premises where all employees are going to get a beautiful office, a company car, a deluxe house and have the best benefit package around and the boss takes you and shows it all to you and then says by the way you are fired.

It can seem to make no sense to us. 

                           But we live in a culture that is about success, it’s about having it all. 

                                      We hang on tightly to things. 

                         Not just the physical material things like houses

                         but things like position and status, money and reputation, control.

What I see is that Moses wasn’t like that. 

Well at least not by the time God finished with him.

Just as well, because here is Moses, having taken on the job, fulfilled it, got the people to the border of the promised land and God’s saying you aren’t going in.

Does he rage? No.

Does he stomp his feet screaming that’s not fair? No.

Does he go away sulking? No.

Does he breathe a sigh of relief & say thank goodness I’m done with this crazy bunch? No.

We don’t actually know what his reaction was. 

I find that odd because though out the story we have had snippets of his reactions & he was a pretty expressive guy. He told God and the people what he thought, smashed the tablets, dug his heels in & said to God if you aren’t going then nor am I.

But here, in a moment that would cause most of us great turmoil we don’t hear him say a word. 

All we know is he died and God buried him. I actually find that interesting, no one knows where. My questioning mind asks I wonder if he was like Enoch and never actually died, but just continued with God. I know that’s just a speculation question. But the reason I mention it is that because Moses had been living in God’s tangible presence, maybe in a way he was already in a different promised land?

Moses had entered a time of life where he held everything lightly. 

He wasn’t striving or trying to control. 

His focus was God’s presence. 

He saw tasks only as part of the bigger whole not something that built his self esteem. 

He saw position as merely a passing state, possessions had long ago been replaced with God’s presence.

His reputation depended on God not his efforts. 

He’d spent 40 years wandering, no home and with nothing that looks like security. 

Even though he was leading the people there is a sense that he was not doing but being. 

That is he was being who God created him to be, 

not doing a job to make a living, buy a bigger house, earn God’s approval or the peoples accolade.

I have a feeling that is what God wants for each of us. 

He desires that we will get to that place where activity comes from a deep inner well of being and not from striving. 

A place where self worth comes from knowing who you are in God’s sight not from power, status, position, money, possessions or reputation.

It is learning as Ronald Rollheiser says, to live beyond our fears.

It seems Moses had found out how to live in what Ignatius called indifference,

that place where no matter what is going on around you, what changes and challenges you face, how you spend your time, and no matter where you live, where you go, where you worship, it’s all ok because you are at peace, filled with confidence in God, knowing all will be well.

This is not apathy or disconnectedness but living both in and beyond. 

It is both following God’s lead and leading the way to change.

Jesus has called us to that place, that Kingdom way of life. He has opened the door for us through his death and resurrection and beckons us to join him. 

As we come to the table this morning let us lay down our strivings, our fears, and come together in celebrating God’s presence with us, his leading us, his providing for us and be open to the new beginnings he has planned for us. 

Communication or Misunderstanding

Yesterday toward the end of the church service I was overwhelmed by God and began jumping around a little. I got up to give the blessing but let myself begin by expounding on how excited I get by God. Terry, the lead pastor gave me a circular hand signal while I was speaking.


Confusion
That's what hit me. I was not sure what he was communicating.
                    
 Cultural interpretations
I've lived in the UK for 40 years so I interpreted  the hand signal as "wind it up". I thought he must be concerned about time.
So I said oh, Terry's giving me the signal to wind up & went on to the blessing.
Cultural differences
When I went back to my seat he told me what he had been conveying was

Keep going! Take us further.

He said he would never try to stop me from such expressions!


Later over lunch I was with friends, we are a mixed bunch from Canada, America and New Zealand.
My friend from New Zealand said he too would have interpreted the hand signal as 
                    time to stop


This served as a very visual and timely reminder that  we often feel we are communicating, but so often there is a difference between what one person says and the other person hears.

Self Care

I am always saddened by how hard it is to take care of myself.

Yet when I listen to my friends I find the same is true for them. I have many ideas why this is so, but understanding them, deliberating on the reasons does not actually change my behaviour.

What is needed is action.

My friend and co pastor Leslie became a vegan a while back. I am so impressed by her journey. (see her blog)

I was a vegan for many years, then drifted off. I returned to being a vegan 2 or 3 years ago for a few months, I lost weight & felt amazing. Then I drifted off again.

Then I had a heart attack

I returned to my vegan lifestyle, I lost 24 lbs, had the cardiologist confirm my returned health.

Then I finished my sessions with Cardiac Wellness

and drifted off.....

Action is needed.

So as scary as it is to put this out there for anyone to see, maybe I need some accountability.

So today

Monday 24 Oct. 2011

I am beginning my journey

    Back to being a vegan

             Back to exercise most days

                  Back to intentional self care

Be gentle with me but please support me in this, encourage me.

I seem to need all the help I can get.

A consideration or communication

The First Idea
A friend said something to me the other day about blogging. He said breaking up the text with headers adds interest. Aha! - duly noted - see above and below.
The Next Idea 
He said something about not writing too much.

   Problem.....

I don't think I heard him right. It seemed to hit into an old bit of baggage : 

 "You talk too much" 

                       which translates into 

"No-one cares what you think"

Now I know this is not what this friend meant.

Isn't it strange how we misinterpret stuff, even when we know that is not what the other person intended

Random thoughts on generations....

I think a lot! Some times I start with the same thought & it takes me one direction and another time I go in a different direction, sometimes I go round in circles.
When I'm thinking my ideas flow quicker than my grammar and good sentence construction; so what you get is what's on my mind not something that would pass an English exam. It's also a flow so sometimes it goes in crooked paths or leaves out  other things which have informed me but as you don't know what they are I may seem pretty scattered, inconsistent or random.  Just warning you....
So I woke this morning thinking about how many people  in the west, especially of my generation and before have struggled with ambiguity. We have wanted facts, cut and dried; black and white; true or false; right or wrong; good or bad. We have loved dualisms, we have made dichotomy our measuring stick.  The post-modern generation deal with ambiguity a bit better, they see there is more than two sides, but sometimes it leads to non acceptance of anything they don't like. I find myself firmly planted with a foot in each camp. My age means I grew up in the flux between modernity and post-modernity. I love this. I feel like I got the best of both. I got to be a child and a teenager in the sixties. The previous binding restrictions were shattered. Of course the problem was some of us drifted around like little sail-less, anchor-less boats out on a rough sea. We loved the freedom but could sometimes put into any port in a storm.
I am sad that science had a period of falling into the dichotomy I just spoke of. Science is amazing, it is curious. It asks How? Why? When? Which? etc. When it was least beneficial it thought everything could be measured, explained, treated empirically. This of course meant anything outside of that was invalid, not real or hocus-pocus. It had no way to hold ambiguity, randomness, immeasurable unless it could label it i.e. 'variable'. I am glad that so many scientists are expanding their horizons, returning to curiosity. The problem is too often they are not the ones who get funding, are not the ones who get their work published or who influence the places that hold the money.
I see a similar pattern in religion; well Christianity in particular, but I suspect it is true in many religions. I don't know enough about other religions to say for sure. My foray into other religions and forms of expressing my innate spirituality were Buddhism and new age. They both have a lot to offer when it comes to being able to hold ambiguity. Christianity on the other hand started with a Jewish guy called Jesus. He was born in the flux too. He was the best model of a human holding up ambiguity as a positive thing. He could see the not only but also; the now and not yet. He was the most radical person that ever lived! The problem was a lot of his followers over the centuries have wandered off his way, forsaken or forgotten how radical he was and fallen for the false security of thinking they knew all the answers, could explain everything and put their idea God into some box they constructed. Don't think I'm a pot calling the kettle black here - I count myself in there. But I'm on the road to recovery. I am starting to be OK with my unknowing, I am growing in appreciation of how others see things even when at first it appears opposite to how I see. I am learning I don't have to fix everything, everyone. I am beginning to see that what I thought was chaos is sometimes just a different order. What I thought was a negative, painful hard experience is actually what I needed to grow to be healed to find some softness. I am learning that I don't have to understand everything, explain everything; of course I still try to because that is part of me. I am in some senses a scientist; I am curious. But in other ways I am more a social scientist loving the diversity of people, loving the variations in cultures, the abundance in expressions of community, spirituality, love, art, and any human quality; which to me are all expressions of who God made us.
I love that our society is multi-generational; each bringing wisdom, each bringing questions, each having experiences. I love that if these wisdoms and experiences are heard they can help the hearer. For me my biggest problem is with those who see people in therms of "them and us", creating separation, hostility and inequality, for they do not appreciate the wisdom or experience of the other. Again I have been there. It was killing me and damaging to others; it was a dark, cold place with little hope other that getting people to "join us".  When we begin to see that the real us is every human being, the place we live is open, light and spacious.
My prayer is that we will begin to see that every human being is made in God's image - unique, beautiful, diverse, creative, being innately a spiritual being with untapped wisdom, vision and potential; which if we love and accept one another can be released to the benefit of all creation. Can you imagine what an amazing life  we would create if we truly cared for each other, for our environment, our planet, our universe. That is part of what we were created to be. Love, care, create, steward the earth and all creation and all that is in it and in doing so be blessed, be loved, be cared for.

Why do you doubt? - Sermon

Why do you doubt? 

10 April 2011

This story of Peter walking on water reminds me of the first time I went skiing.  I was very excited. I was also a bit apprehensive.  The thought of hurtling at great speed down the side of a mountain – aghh; scary! Yet something in me wanted to try.

So there I was in my early 50’s on the nursery slopes for the first time.  I was pumped, maybe I was a natural! I glided slowly and smoothly down the gentle slope and came to an almost graceful stop.  Fantastic! My daughter, the ski-fiend was so happy & encouraging; so I slogged my way back up to the top and set off again.  This time I began to pick up just a little speed. Terror struck! How would I stop? What if I hit one of the little kids on the slope with me! What if I hit the red net fence? What if I broke something? What if I broke me! I tried to slow down but didn’t; so I fell over just to stop.

That was it every time I tried to ski that day I ended up falling over. My confidence had gone. My daughter lost patience and went to do some real skiing & I was left with a sense of complete failure and very sore ankles. I admit I have never had the nerve to try again.  But there is this spark inside me that wants to ski; I’ll never be a downhill racer, but I’d like to get out on the slopes and feel the wind in my face from a bit of speed and come to an elegant stop at the end!

Like Peter I took my focus off the goal. For me the goal had been to just have fun learning how to ski but I started to focus on the possible crash & fall. For him it was to get to Jesus; but he started to focus on the wind and waves and began to sink. 

I doubted I could stop, even though I had just successfully stopped. Peter probably doubted the water could hold him up as it churned beneath his feet, even though he had not sunk thus far.

When I first read this story some years ago I was surprised that Jesus asked “Why do you doubt?” For me the answer would be “Why wouldn’t you doubt?” Doubt & fear seem the most rational response given the circumstances.

Walking on water is not what we think of as normal; so to step outside the boat seems irrational; crazy or even downright stupid.

Let’s face it if you are on a small fishing boat with no engine & there’s a whopping great storm going on around you why would you even consider getting out & walking to the ghostly figure bobbing up and down, in & then out of sight. Why risk this whole impossible idea of walking on water. 

Yet Jesus asks “Why do you doubt?”

I wonder how do we hear that question? Do we hear it as judgement?  “Shame on you for doubting.”

Or do we hear concern and encouragement in Jesus words; “Just keep on trusting so you won’t sink”

How do you hear the question “Why do you doubt?”

(Pause)

What is doubt?

The Oxford English dictionary says it is ‘feeling uncertainty or feeling uncertain about something’; it can also mean ‘to disbelieve or mistrust someone’.

I see nothing in this story that says Peter did not believe Jesus or that he mistrusted him – in fact when he began to sink he called to Jesus to save him.  So it seems to me that his doubt was found in feeling uncertain that he could continue walking on water once he considered how precarious the waves and wind were.

What about us?

Maybe the real question for us is do we have doubts like Peter?

Have you ever set out believing Jesus is just in front of you and find once you’ve left the safety of the boat you wonder why you ever started?

I know I have:

Some people may think those who are pastor types are giants of faith and don’t struggle with doubt. 

I have to tell you that is not true of me. Before I started seminary I was sure of what I believed; sure of how the Christian walk should be lived. I had everything in neat little boxes, labelled & stacked.

The trouble was, the more I learn, the more I find I don’t know. How did I think I could be called as a pastor if I couldn’t give sure answers; tell people how to live; be sure that God wanted us to live the way I had previously been told. I doubted my call, I doubted everything I was told; I doubted that God was happy with me or anyone. Dark night of the soul stuff! Talk about a sinking feeling!

(pause)

He has given me no quick-fix answers. Rather I have been on a journey since that has been filled with doubts, questions, reassessing. I have begun to think that rather than doubt being the antithesis to faith; perhaps it is the launching pad.

Maybe this is partly what the story is about.

Perhaps those of us who follow or even have a feint desire to follow God have to face doubts about God and about ourselves. Even though it is those doubts that can stop us in our tracks and make us feel like we are sinking, perhaps it is these very doubts that stir us to refocus on Jesus.

I wonder, are there people who just know they have doubts but just live with them or ignore them and get on with life? Sometimes I think I’d like to be like that!

But I’m not. I often doubt that I am capable or able to keep going; after all shouldn’t I as a Christian be able to bear up under the heavy burdens of life? Shouldn’t I just trust God will make everything alright? Shouldn’t I smile and get on with life, undiscouraged by illness, family and work commitments or dissentions? Shouldn’t I be able to cope with those who drain the life out of me and be the one who encourages and supports them unceasingly and ungrudgingly?

Sometimes when we think about all the should’s and shouldn’t’s following Jesus feels like we are being asked to walk on water. The Christian life if it is filled with lists of acceptable & not acceptable thoughts & behaviours can look so unnatural; so impossible.

One thing a heart attack does is make you re-evaluate. I am asking, are our internal lists of shoulds & shouldn’ts really nothing more than unrealistic expectations? Are they not what cause me to doubt who I am and who God is. Do my lists reflect what I think God’s expectations are of me?

(pause)

I am encouraged by this passage, for what I see here is not Jesus saying; if you want to follow me get out of the boat & walk on water. No what he tells them is “don’t be afraid, it’s me; I am here.”  

Jesus does not tell the disciples who stayed in the boat “oh you of little faith. Why did you doubt?”   He didn’t say hey guys; come join me out here, walking on water is your next test! That gives me hope.  Jesus doesn’t force us to do anything we are not ready & willing to try; nor does he give us a hard time when we have honest doubts; honest fears.

 However, Peter got out of the boat. Why would he do that?

Peter, gets excited, throws caution and rational thinking to the wind when he hears it is Jesus. Then he says; “if it’s you tell me to come”  and Jesus says “Come”

Peter in his usual impetuous way says I want to do that too. I want to be out there with Jesus. Peter is not thinking with his head; he is responding with his heart. He knows as a fisherman who has been around water all his life that walking on water is not natural. But, his faith was pumped. He knows that if Jesus says do it then he will be able to.

Aren’t we like that?  If we really know that God has said do something; we know he will make it possible.

The problem is we don’t always know if it is God that has told us.  This is especially true if those we trust and care for those who tell us we can’t, or we shouldn’t, or that God would not tell us to do such a stupid thing.

I felt called to ministry when I was 16, but the church told me God didn’t call women to ministry.  So I doubted that I heard God. Over the years he kept telling me; but I kept doubting that it was even possible.  Finally I started believing and I started to see if this really was God he would make it possible.  Never once did he give me a hard time for doubting; rather he just kept showing me “I am here with you” Eventually in 2005 I made the decision to move to Calgary & come to bible college. I was stepping out of my boat. At that time, while in prayer he told me get ready to walk on water.

I did not know what that meant, except that he was going to ask me to do things I otherwise knew to be impossible.

I think that’s the point of the story it’s to encourage us to take risks; to risk failing and looking stupid; to risk doing that which others cower from; to risk believing Jesus says come. Maybe it shows us if we will get out of the boat, even if it looks like we are about to drown, Jesus is there to pull us up to safety.

And maybe that’s the real purpose of our doubts and the storms of life; to remind us to call out to Jesus; to get us to change our focus, to move us to a place where we start believing. Maybe faith cannot be built without honestly feeling and expressing our doubts to God and one another. 

In this story, when Peter began to sink; Jesus’ words were not condemning, he merely recognises that Peter had become faint-hearted and His question is to let Peter recognise that doubt & circumstance became the focus. The Message encompasses this perfectly:

(2 Slides)    Jumping out of the boat, Peter walked on the water to Jesus. But when he looked down at the waves churning beneath his feet, he lost his nerve and started to sink. He cried, "Master, save me!"

 Jesus didn't hesitate. He reached down and grabbed his hand. Then he said, "Faint-heart, what got into you?"

The two of them climbed into the boat, and the wind died down.

Whether you are in the place of honestly doubting and having honest fears or whether you have stepped out of the boat and are now feeling like you are going under, there is no condemnation, only Jesus assurance:

Don’t be afraid, I am here.

The bread and the cup that we are about to share are tangible reminders of this.

He is here with us now,

He is with us in our doubts,

He is with us in our fears and struggles

and he is with us as we step out of the boat risking a walk on water.

What's Love Got to do with It? - Sermon

What’s Love got to do with it?

4 Sept 2011

Romans 13:8-14

I love the things people say; they make me think, make me ask questions.

A friend was telling me that they used to belong to a church that did regular alter calls, and they always felt they wanted to respond because what was promised sounded so good; and then they think “hang on I already did that….”

The implication of course was that having responded, the reality of life after the response, after the honeymoon period was not as good as it sounded at the time of the alter call.

This is very sad because it seems to me that the reality should be better than what is imagined or even expected

Expectations are funny things, sometimes our expectations of ourselves or others, including God, are not very realistic and then life is certainly disappointing.

At other times our expectations are based on what we think others want or need from us or false hopes given by someone else, and sometimes they are based on our inner voice which ultimately comes from our own hopes, dreams or values.

Sometimes our expectations are considered normal for our culture and society and yet we find for us they are not fulfilled. For example what if you expected to be married, but you are not, be healthy but you are not, be financially well off but are not. Such unfulfilled expectations can be very painful.

Yet despite having unfulfilled expectations we need expectations; they fuel our motivations, they give us hope, they provide life experiences without which we would be very shallow shadows of who we are now.

In our Romans reading, God seems to have expectations of us; that we will love others, that we will not act in the ways of the prevailing culture. Don't sleep with another person's spouse, don't take someone's life, don't take what isn't yours, don't always be wanting what you don't have, don’t squander life in frivolity and indulgence, in sleeping around and dissipation, in bickering and grabbing everything in sight. 

The problem is if we turn these expectations into rigid rule following is it makes people miserable and is enough to put most people off us, God and Christians in general.

Surely loving God and others, living God’s way should bring joy and peace and good relationships.

So when I looked at this reading, I kept coming back to the idea of love, loving God and loving others as we love ourselves; I could see that if you really love God then you wouldn’t want to do something that upset him. This seems a good enough reason in itself yet I knew there was something a little dysfunctional in this.  I knew that children who were always good so they didn’t upset their parents were very unhappy and fearful. Their good behaviour was not really because of love, but because of fear and I knew God doesn’t want us to live in fear.

God is quite amazing He has a way of sneaking up behind us and putting something under our noses and then as we go round saying I can smell something but don’t see it he stops us and points it out, not always in the most comfortable way. He did this with me. 

I remembered that some years back I kept meeting people who did not love themselves; that is they did not honour or respect themselves. Like me they had been told to love yourself was somehow selfish, self centred and of course very unchristian as we should think of others rather than ourselves.

What I began to see in others and in myself was that because we do not love ourselves we are not very good at really loving anyone else including God and it makes it hard to recognise that we are loved fully by others or by God.

What I began to discover was that because we don’t love ourselves we get into situations where we feel disrespected or unappreciated or used.

A couple of weeks ago I used one Julian of Norwich revelations where God showed her that

 “God judges us by our true inner nature, which is always kept whole in him; safe and sound. And this judgement comes from his rightfulness, whereas we judge by the outward changeable nature… In His judgement I saw Him assign no whit of blame to us.”

We judge ourselves by this changeable nature; which means we do not love ourselves. This false changeable nature either clamours for attention and stuff, anything to make us feel better or makes us feel guilty at taking care of ourselves.

I have begun to wonder if we truly love ourselves, would we be able to hold our expectation for our lives more lightly so that when they are not fulfilled it would not cause us such angst, pain and bitterness.  In loving ourselves would we be able to see that having these expectations met or unmet does not change the true quality of our lives, because our lives are not dependant on them. I don’t have an answer, …. Yet. 

But I do think I am on to something, because as I read about those who hold all things lightly, they seem able to be truly present in the moment and truly loving to themselves and others.

When at last it dawned on me that God loves me and every human being no matter what and that my not loving myself was disrespectful to Him as He had created me I finally saw that holiness, that is living God’s way and life itself is indeed about love. It is about loving myself so I can love God & others; so I can naturally do the right thing, not from fear or obligation or rule following, but from true love.

Paul puts it so well in Romans as Peterson translates it

“The law code——finally adds up to this: Love other people as well as you do yourself.”

Do you see that Love others as you love yourself.

Hmm, so if I don’t love myself very well, it must surely follow that I don’t love others very well

Hmm

We have become very confused about what loving ourselves looks like; our media and tv shows give us, lust, self centeredness, self obsession and putting our wants above others as examples.

But this is not what loving our-self should look like.

Because we are made in God’s image we are naturally drawn to loving others and to love one another unconditionally. We do this to the best of our ability; so some do it better than others.

Because we are made in God’s image we are also drawn to love ourselves. This might seem strange but Jesus said if a kingdom or a house is divided against itself it cannot stand; the same principle applies to us. If we do not love ourselves we can’t remain whole.

The problem we face is we have forgotten we are made in God’s image, we are often confused by what that means; as our media shows we have become confused as to how to love others, how to love ourselves fully in healthy ways.

We end up going to unhealthy extremes; perverting what should be good into selfish obsession and narcissism. We expect another frail human to meet all our needs rather than seeing the only true healing is in God’s restorative love. It is in Christ’s death and through His resurrection that we can be restored to our true full loving humanity.

Godly love of our self is about taking care of ourselves, physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally. It’s about respecting and honouring our needs, desires and rational preferences, not so we become self obsessed but so we are able to be truly ourselves.

Godly love for ourselves is recognising God created us in His image, and in loving ourselves we also love Him and His amazing work of creation.

From this place of loving ourselves we can more fully love others. We can also accept and cherish the love shown and given to us by God and others.  

If we don’t love ourselves we can end up chasing after love, where we fall in love and then out of love, because we can rarely see that someone else loves us and we struggle with loving them.  If we don’t love ourselves we can end up chasing status, money, possessions – anything that will make us feel better for a minute.

The bare truth is that we cannot truly love others well if we do not know how to love ourself.  Let’s face it, if you love yourself you are not going to sleep around, get drunk, kill someone, steal, quarrel or be jealous. It is when we don’t honour and respect ourselves that we do these things and in doing those things we show we are unable to love others because we do not honour or respect them either.

If we love ourselves we won’t get so caught up in daily business that we wear our selves out and become oblivious to God. If we love ourselves we won’t get so caught up in making a living we don’t have time to live, so busy we don’t have time to spend with those we love.

Loving ourselves opens our hearts to allowing God’s love to flow in our lives, opens us to knowing how to love others, to being able to be loved by others. Such love gives us lives that are filled with joy and peace rather than regret for our actions and unfulfilled expectations.

Please take a moment and honestly ask your self

Do I love myself?

Do I know how to love myself?

PAUSE

Today as we come to the table and partake of the bread and juice, the body and blood of Jesus our Messiah, remembering that God showed his immense love for us through the gift of His Son and that Jesus showed His uncompromising love for us in His death and resurrection let us allow Holy Spirit to show us how to love ourselves and how we may in turn love others fully.